Reasons to be Thankful in my Life as a Teacher

 I am a very fortunate person. I am healthy, I have money in the bank, and a job that will provide me with a pension and health insurance when I retire. I am thankful for deciding 30 years ago, to have my daughter even though I wasn't married. That was the best decision I ever made. I am thankful for a wonderful, supportive family and great friends. 

 But, I had a hard time being thankful for my life as a teacher. Last night at the Thanksgiving dinner table with mostly cousins and my niece, I expressed my frustration in my job and am considering retiring early.  I said, I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions. On the one hand, you want kids to love school. On the other, they have to learn things that are not always fun, especially when the standard is set so high. So there is a balancing act, more like a juggling act, and often the balls get dropped.  I told my dinner table talk story partners, sometimes I feel that I am a terrible teacher, that maybe they would be better off without me. 

The other day, a cousin had a meet and greet with Lt Gov. Shan Tsutsui at their house, and though I wasn't planning to say anything, his empathy for teachers compelled me to express my frustration to him about the new educator evaluation system that we are being tortured with this year.

I guess the frustration is evident, both at this meeting and around the Thanksgiving dinner table.  

I'm trying, trying, trying to combine the spirit of thanksgiving with my life as a teacher. Trying to overcome these dark shadows that seem to follow me everywhere, like PigPen in Peanuts. I belong to the Facebook group, Bad Ass Teachers, and we are angry at what is happening to public education across the nation. I click on articles and memes about the not so pleasant side of the Thanksgiving story and the tragic plight of the Native people everywhere. I'm reminded of the Cat Stevens song from my youth,  "I'm being followed by a moon shadow, moon shadow, moon shadow."

And then it occurred to me. I have a student who makes a lot of noise in the class. Not just the pencil tapping, desk drumming, and put-downs, and not just the denials that he did it, but a constant refrain of, I'm dumb (dume, he spells it), and I'm stupid, and I can't ever do this, I won't ever get this. I had anxiety over using science time for motivation to improve behavior, put effort into classwork, and do homework. I kept threatening that this would happen- that I have to be able to trust that you have self-control in order for you to participate. I didn't want to leave anyone out, but I felt I had to follow through with my threat. On the first day, this challenging student did not get to participate, and at first, he was angry, but at some point,  it kicked in. He was quiet and focused. The next day, he turned in homework. He knew he qualified and all he had to do was maintain his good behavior the rest of the day. And he did! He had a marvelous day. He was shining! He was proud of himself! One student at his table said in her reflection, "I saw ___ show CARE (our school acronym for Cooperation, Acceptance, Responsibility, Enjoyment)  because when I asked him to share, he said yes and boys don't usually share." (sorry, boys, but that's her exact quote.) 

There were still a few who did not get it, that  there was a cause and effect to this, but by the second day of holding them accountable, I think they did. I was agonizing over whether or not to use this science project as motivation, but after reading their reflections, and seeing the results, I have to conclude it was a good thing.

So I am thankful for this student and others who give me reason to believe that I am not a terrible teacher. In fact, because I had the fortitude to hold up a standard of behavior as acceptable, because I had the strength to draw a boundary for them, they had a life experience of responsible acts, caring acts, reaping a positive result. Sometimes it's hard to be the adult, to draw the boundaries that are fair and equitable, and to follow through by being firm. But nothing else will produce that kind of pride that this student had in himself. "Coddling" and "empathy" for a child's anger and sadness will not; giving in to that only reinforces the bad behavior and choices. 

The moonshadow has lifted. I'm thankful that my students came through. Whew.