To Thrive: Why I Retired

I have not written in a while. Too busy closing up the school year as well as my life as a classroom teacher. I am now in a space of in-between-ness, in which I can write. Inquiring minds want to know, how did I come to the decision to retire? I am taking an early retirement, which means I am too young to take my full pension. So, it does come at a cost. 

Those who know me well know that this was not a sudden decision. It's been years in the making. At a Super Bowl party this year, a friend, a retired educator, reminded me that we had this same conversation at the last Super Bowl party. 

My students, bless their hearts, were worried that it was about them. My teaching partner and I had to assure them, like children of divorce, that when adults make decisions like this, it is not the children's fault. I told them that yes, it has been stressful, but it always is and always has been. One of my former students who was helping on the last day of school concurred that it was challenging her year too. In previous years, I would know that a new school year brings new hope with either new kids or just a new grade because we looped from 4th to 5th. If it was about the kids, I would go back with that same attitude of new beginnings. Perhaps I would try to transfer to a school more sedate, with less poverty, less diversity. No, I love our kids - trials, tribulations, and all. It wasn't about the kids.

The obvious inference would be it is because of the new Educator Evaluation System (EES). That is only part of the reason. I loathe meaningless expenditures of time, energy, and resources. I loathe hypocrisy. So when the DOE higher-ups say it's about improving the teaching profession and I know that this is not the truth, I feel like I'm swimming against a sewer-filled current. In the end, because the administrator assigned to my evaluation is fair and kind, the process itself was as painless as she could make it. The worst part of my evaluation was the Student Growth Profile, a number based on the results of standardized testing. There's a mysterious algorithm that is supposedly associated with my effectiveness in increasing my students' scores on standardized tests. There are so many reasons to be critical of this aspect of the EES and I hope the powers that be eliminate this portion, on the basis that it is not fair, valid, and reliable. But I don't hold my breath. If it was only about the EES, I would know that despite of all the waste of time, energy, and resources, I personally would survive, as long as I had supportive administrators. That is a big unknown however, as our school is notorious for having a revolving door of vice principals.

There is a world of difference between surviving and thriving, however. And life is too short not to thrive. Every summer, even on the first day of summer, my impulse to thrive is revived. Last summer, I got the idea for a Good Idea grant on the first day of summer. Every year, I spend the summer reading about ways to thrive. Sometimes I am fortunate enough to attend professional development activities that inspire me to thrive. I start the year anew with the hope that I will be the master of my classroom, that I will not let outside forces get in the way of my visions to be "the teacher I want to be." 

That positive frame of mind lasts about a week, and then reality sets in. This year we had a new math curriculum that we adopted to align with the Common Core. And most of the year was spent in turmoil figuring out the curriculum, the Common Core standards, our pacing, and how the students were doing with it all. This, along with the Student Learning Objectives component of the EES, took over the classroom dynamic. Add to this the confusion over what was actually being tested on the "bridge" Hawaii State Assessment - the result was a very unsettling year. 

Perhaps I should contrast this to where I find my joy in teaching. I love hands-on learning. I love math games. Our previous math curriculum had this in spades. The Investigations curriculum was criticized because it didn't align well to standards, therefore it wasn't good for test preparation. I would find more fault with the standards and the test prep mindset than with the curriculum. What hands-on and conceptual math does is makes math relevant, even fun. "Word problem" pedagogy, which the GoMath curriculum uses to assert relevance, is not the same. 

I also love science. I agreed to be a math and science specialist 8 years ago because I love science.  I believed that science was the one subject where it was okay to be hands-on and fun. Luckily we had outstanding professional development for the Investigations curriculum about the same time, so I came to love math too. But my career highs over the years were because of science, perhaps integrated with math, but primarily science. My former students always remember the science that we did. The best thing I did was the anchialine pond project that started in a small way in 2006, but got bigger and better over time. The last time was a collaboration with Kamehameha Schools 'Ike Pono project in 2012 that included the entire grade level. My best year with the project was in 2009, which was written up in the local paper. We worked on cleaning a degraded pond of alien guppies and removing a lot of the alien pickle weed. 

Sure, I as a teacher, could still fight the system and do whatever I needed to do in the classroom and on field trips to engage students. I could be a rebel. If I was coming back next year, this is probably where my summer brain would be going, making plans to be a rebel.  

But as I was looking for signs, praying on the decision, thinking through the pros and cons, that is not the message I got. A beloved HSTA staff member passed away suddenly and the reality that life is precious and life span unpredictable was brought to consciousness. One of the  most telling messages I got was revealed in a blog piece I wrote inspired by a Ted Talk on the interesting lives of parasites. http://dianeaoki.blogspot.com/2014/04/what-happened-to-my-good-intentions.html. The Gordian worm that is the "system" takes over my will, and there wasn't much I can do to save myself. It wasn't that bad. I willed myself to do more science in the 4th quarter. It was less than I wanted, but more than before. I eliminated chapter tests because I already knew from their classwork and homework what their skill level was. The only "test prep" I did was teaching. Yet- this is not thriving. This is treading water, trying to maintain your sense of sanity and purpose against a strong, whirlpool-like current.  

I told my students that I was retiring because I was old enough to, but young enough to still do other things that I want to do with my life. They don't need to know that I have an impulse to thrive and I couldn't do it within the system. They don't need to know that the expectation to do well on the tests distorts the decisions and choices I make in the classroom. They don't need to know that I don't agree with the Common Core standards and the accompanying testing tied to my evaluation. They don't need to know that I don't believe in standards-based reform, and that my desire to be child-centered instead is an act of rebellion, rather than the norm.

Even though I am going to take a penalty for retiring early, I consider myself fortunate for being able to do this. Yes, I will be poor. But I am healthy and see myself continuing to work, in a less stressful job. I would love to be a tour guide, or even wrap presents at Macys at Christmas time, or help out on my friend's food truck. Wouldn't it be great to be a flower delivery person? 

Writing will be my number one endeavor. I will continue to write about education, in the hopes that writing will inform and strengthen those of you in the trenches. I have a lot of other projects that don't have a lot to do with education, but are creative expressions. I have  other ideas that do have to do with education. I have so many ideas for what to do, I am only afraid of biting off more than I can chew. It is exciting to know that I can do anything I want to do, within the limits of my finances. 

By the way, praise to those of you who CAN thrive within the system. I don't think it's impossible. It's just my personal experience that I couldn't. I don't see myself as a failure for not being able to, although I could easily swing my thoughts in that direction. One of my ideas is to write about how you CAN do it, to tell YOUR stories. There is a thread on the BadAssTeachers Facebook page called "#evaluate that" and I love reading those stories of what teachers do that honor the profession totally unrelated to how we are evaluated officially.

This blog will probably end. I may have a few pieces left to write that are relevant to the blog theme, but I see starting a new one.  Thank you for reading. Stay tuned. Stay connected. Stay strong.